Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 22 December 2018

Are you lonely? Do you need something to hug at night in order to make you feel safe, warm, and cozy? Are teddy bears just not cutting it anymore?

IMPALED recently announced that it will soon be releasing a new huggable "Vlad the Impaler" doll.

The vicious, soul-tortured, deeply-conflicted, angry, intensely cruel, sadistic, tyrannical, merciless, blood-thirsty, 'Impaler Prince' of 15th Century Wallacia can soon be yours for only 15 dollars and 17 cents.

Don't go to bed anymore feeling sad about your lack of a love life or your existential state of loneliness. Buy yourself a huggable "Vlad the Impaler" doll today.

When you pull its cord, it says really creepy things to you in Romanian that you probably won't understand. It also sits up all night completely on its own while psychotically staring at you as its eyes glow red.

19-year-old college student, Vanessa Kinley, had this to say about the huggable "Vlad the Impaler" doll:

"I wasn't prepared for university life after high school. I felt naïve, insecure, and lonely, so I bought myself a huggable "Vlad the Impaler" doll to keep me company. I met a cute boy at a frat party last weekend, and I thought that we may have some potential for a healthy future relationship, but he's dead now."

Can you really trust other people? Probably not! Hesitate no further, and buy yourself a huggable "Vlad the Impaler" doll as soon as you can.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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