Giftmas: Making the Holidays Great Again!

Written by Jock Reasoning

Sunday, 23 December 2018

Christmas is only a few short days away. People are scrambling around buying those last-second gifts for any loved one they worry might feel scorned if the pile of presents underneath the tree doesn’t feature a tag with their name on it hanging from at least one colorful, opulently-wrapped box.

'Tis the season for giving, after all. Christmas is the holiday where we give so we can receive. It’s the quintessential quid pro quo. A worldwide 'you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours'. All played out under the purview of a fictional red-and-white beast known fondly as Santa Claus.

The world has bought into the fictitious tale of a bearded man flying around the world overnight in an effort to drop gifts down a chimney because, well, it keeps the practice of giving, in order to receive, alive. Make no mistake about it, Santa is very real.

And, you know what, that’s fine. But what isn’t fine, is the illusion that Christmas is somehow centered on a deity that less than 100% of humanity worships. This blanket of deception that has covered modern civilization for years continues to be tolerated.

But, no more. Something is finally being done to stop the lies, to stop the subjugation, to stop the tyranny of a non-ubiquitous god. Free thinkers, innovators, and trend setters from the Green party have begun a movement to remove the ‘Christ’ from Christmas.

“People are sick of Happy Holidays? Fine! Let’s change the name of that archaic term we’ve all been forced to utter and listen to. Let’s take the Christ out of Christmas!” a local green party advocate was quoted as saying.

“Imagine the outrage if Christmas was called Muhammadmas or Smithmas or even Cruisemas! Just imagine the outrage! Why are we just sitting by and letting Christians get away with this brainwashing? Something must be stopped and it’s about time some brave individuals did something to stop it,” an anonymous Green party member added on.

This movement has gained traction. California senators are listening very carefully to the argument being made. After all, it is America’s ideal that no religion, no gender, no person should ever, at any time, feel offended. Yes, holiday fans, the movement to take the Christ out of Christmas is very, very real.

What will they replace Christ with, you ask? Well, that’s simple.

“Given the true spirit of the holiday we figured we’d simply call it Giftmas,” the anonymous Green party member responded, when asked the aforementioned question.

Gear up, Americans. Giftmas is very likely headed your way in the all-too-near future.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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