"Nonsense," scoffed President Donald Trump in response to widely-circulating rumors that he may be the Antichrist. “Granted, I may be a little abrasive, but I’m not the Antichrist.”
“Or Satan,” he clarified.
The rumors that Trump could in fact be the personal opponent of Christ expected to appear before the end of the world have gained in credibility over the past year, bolstered by the president’s controversial resolution to withdraw the United States from the Paris Agreement on climate change and by his continued, bullish support of the environmentally-devastating coal industry. Most recently, Trump’s decision to open up formerly protected federal waters in the Arctic to offshore oil drilling have convinced many Americans that, true to Antichrist form, he is intentionally hastening the Apocalypse.
Not true, says Trump.
"Not only am I not the Antichrist," stated the president, "I'm a devout Christian. Ask anyone – I’ve always celebrated Christmas." Thumping his chest for emphasis, he professed, "I love Jesus. Love him.”
Trump's expression brightened when he was asked to discuss his plans for the upcoming holidays. "I’ve been a very good boy this year, so I expect that Santa – and Jesus – will be treating me extremely well this year. No, there’ll be no coal in this boy’s stocking on Christmas morning.”
He chuckled and added, “Not that that would be such a bad thing. Beautiful, clean coal – we should all be so blessed!”