The Prince of Darkness shocked the press corps this morning by announcing that, "The deal is off! I don't want it. It's worthless. I was duped!" "I promise him all the power in the world. All the money in the world. In exchange, I was to receive...
For the first time in recent memory, Satan appeared in public without his devilish goatee. His Evilness—clean shaven and wearing cutoff jeans, a hoodie, and Blackspot Adbusters—was recognized by Helen Gunderssonn, lifestyle editor for the Minneapolis...
"Not that I ever would," said Nate Bailey of Nashville, Tennessee, regarding the prospect of selling his soul to Satan, "but I'd kind of like to know what they're going for these days." Again emphasizing that doing a deal with the devil is not an...
Tired of hearing your heathen friends whine about science and organized religion while completely ignoring your warnings about hell? Well, here are six ways guaranteed to get those smooth-talking tricksters off their game. Why six? Because if yo...
While never pleasant, climate experts report that hell is becoming all but uninhabitable due to global warming. "People there are having an even tougher time than usual," said underworld reporter David Cohan. "Poor souls!" Cohan stated, too, th...
"I may not have the greatest reputation," said Satan, "but when my name is mentioned, do you immediately think 'pedophilia'? Of course not! And to think the Catholic Church is trying to demonize me." Hurt by its fateful decision to limit the Trini...
Love him or hate him, the British comedian, actor, radio host, TV presenter, author, and activist, Russell Brand is hot property in entertainment circles, but is there something sinister lurking in his background? Brand has always been controversi...
Railing against the highly popular debate technique named for him, the Devil’s Advocate himself issued a stern warning to would-be players seeking to temporarily take on his identity for the sake of making a point. “The devil don’t play or get pla...
"Nonsense," scoffed President Donald Trump in response to widely-circulating rumors that he may be the Antichrist. “Granted, I may be a little abrasive, but I’m not the Antichrist.” “Or Satan,” he clarified. The rumors that Trump could in fact...
"Hail, Satan!" exclaimed the British parliament when it approved a plan to have a Satanic monument placed outside the parliament. The Satanic Temple of London has placed the historical display outside the parliament building, joining the Christmas...
Despite the death sentence imposed on him in a fatwa issued by the Pope, our fearless Religion Editor, Paxton Quigley, continues his exposés of the contradictions and stupidities of blind faith. In this occasional series he explains some typographical errors, omissions and mistranslations from the bible. "Get thee behind me, Satan." It is well-known that there are gospels missing from the bible...
Back in the eighties, every book publisher was searching for the new Stephen King. Of these forgotten pretenders, John Psepsis was surely the most prolific, sometimes churning out a new chiller every month. Of his fellow author, King had this to say: “Gosh wow, Psepsis writes better horror than anyone. Except me, of course. And certainly, I’m a lot richer than him. A whole lot richer. I should kno...
A man in New Jersey has told how he tricked the Devil in a contractual arrangement, whereby the Dark Lord agreed to grant the man's wish to bed a woman he desired, in return for his sole - not his soul. Barry Grime from Trenton had had designs on...
Washington, D.C. August 29, 2018. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders played down reports that President Trump’s visit to Hell had been cancelled. “It’s just been rescheduled,” Sanders said, and played down reports that Satan was re...
In a candid one-on-one interview, Satan, the prince of darkness and ruler of all seven circles of Hell, confirmed that he is uncomfortable with the overwhelming success he’s acheived in the realm of mortals. While his influence had always been preval...
The CEO of the underworld released a short statement this morning: I hereby announce my resignation, not because I've done anything wrong, mind you, but because my work here is done. My bucket list for the world is complete. They say it's best...
What was originally reported as a geological event has been confirmed as a deliberate action taken by the Prince of Darkness. Satan has confirmed that the sink hole on White House property is actually a direct access point to Hell. "Donny was c...
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