Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 10 October 2018


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Women: please don't go outdoors unless it's absolutely necessary

Newly-confirmed US Supreme Court judge, Brett Kavanaugh, is to meet with friends 'for a few drinks' on Friday evening, and women have been warned to keep their distance.

Judge Kavanaugh, who was cleared by a select committee of any sexual wrongdoings in the case brought against him by Christine Blasey Ford, is determined to put the whole terrible experience behind him, and to get on with the rest of his life in peace and quiet. He said:

"I am determined to put the whole terrible experience behind me, and to get on with the rest of my life in peace and quiet."

That starts on Saturday, however, because Friday is going to be party night!

Kavanaugh has been in touch with all of his old friends from Yale University who were with him when he didn't wave his penis in the face of Deborah Ramirez. Also invited are those who were with him from Georgetown Preparatory School parties, when he categorically did not try to 'spike' girls' drinks in order that they might become more 'amiable'. Guest of honour will be the appropriately-named Mark Judge, who did not participate in Kavanaugh's sexual assault on Ms. Ford, and, anyway, wasn't there either.

President Donald Trump has also said he will try to "make it for a couple".

Women's groups have put up warnings on Facebook and other social media platforms, and have distributed leaflets in and around the capitol. It's not known exactly where the judge's group will debauch, but, the warning states, those at risk may want to stay indoors, bolt the locks, have a night in, go to bed early, and get right down underneath the covers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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