Written by The Loony Liberal

Wednesday, 10 October 2018

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a shocking development, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh plugged an NES controller into his gavel and entered the infamous "Konami code" (Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start), granting him a grand total of thirty lives.

Performing a victory dance, Kavanaugh shouted, "Fuck yeah! Suck it, libs! Time to get smashed! Or fight Red Falcon! Or fight Red Falcon while getting smashed!" Kavanaugh then performed a jumping flip through a wall and started firing a rifle erratically at strange creatures resembling American football players with red jerseys and helmets.

Reactions to this development have been mixed.

Surprisingly, President Donald Trump was livid. "That little bitch!" Trump screamed. "He's always pulling this shit! He grabs the blue shell in 'Mario Kart', he's an edge hog in 'Smash Brothers', he body slams pins when we go bowling, and now he's using a cheat code? Screw that guy! Yeah, he diddled with women! I've got video tapes cassettes, CD-ROMs, DVDs DVD ROMs, Blu-Ray, 4K, cave paintings, and braille! Take all the evidence you need! And tell that prick that the Rainbow Road is bullshit!"

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, found breathing into a brown paper bag, responded, "Oh, no. Oh, geez. This is bad. Really bad. That's a lifetime appointment. Kavanaugh is going to be a Supreme Court Justice until the year 4378! I just... it's... I've got nothing. All I can say is this: 'Step on it, Climate Change!'"

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell could not stop smiling. "This is a wonderful development. Unless Kavanaugh's playing on Hard Mode." McConnel's smile faded, as he lamented, "That lush knows that he's no good at shmups. Why couldn't he have stuck with 'Tetris' or 'Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine?' That fool won't make it to the restroom, let alone the final level."

Sighing, McConnell picked up his office phone and said, "Krista? Patch me through to Relius Clover."

Kavanaugh's accusers were optimistic. "Kavanaugh did it this time," Julie Swetnick explained. "We're going to press for a real investigation. If he's arrested, convicted, and sentenced to life, he'll rot in prison for 2,360 years!"

Sparkster, a decorated Rocket Knight and unofficial icon for the video game company, Konami, let out a tired sigh, and replied, "The Konami code? Seriously? President Kozuki-san promised that he was going to patch up the code as soon as that shrinky-dink-handed con man took the White House. Bugger it all. Well, if I can take down the Devotindos Empire -- twice, thank you very much -- and the Gedol Empire, how bad could one blotted frat boy with a dress and a rifle be?" Sparkster then rocketed into the sky.

And former President Barack Obama, wearing shades and holding a Nintendo Max, said, "All throughout my administration, the Republicans loved to talk about how I was an angry Black man. I want to pass health care? Angry Black man. I want gun control? Angry Black man. I want to use the bathroom? Angry Black man."

President Obama let out a small grin as he entered the Konami code.

Upon being awarded thirty lives, Obama stood, drew a shining broadswrd out of thin air, and said, "Now, they're going to see an angry Black man. Kavanaugh, consider yourself impeached!" Obama then rushed into the fray.

Mario Mario, famed hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, shrugged and said, "It's a'me, Mario."

And Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas jerked his thumb at Mario and grumbled, "I vote whatever he votes. I'm off to the casino. Luck be a lady tonight!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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