WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Trump took to the airwaves today to address an issue near and dear to the dark void where a heart is supposed to be. He admitted to coming to the aid of Judge Brett Kavanaugh during his tumultuous confirmation hearing.
Trump called Jeanne Pirro on Fox News. When asked about his mocking of Christine Blasey Ford at a political rally, Trump responded, “Well, there were a lot of things happening that weren't correct, they weren't true. Yeah, Brett was the one saying those things, but really! It's not like it's a crime to lie under oath or anything! Those Democrats will make an issue out of anything!”
Trump continued, “I thought I had to even the playing field, because it was very unfair to the judge, now I can very nicely say Justice Kavanaugh. Justice Brett 'The Boof' Kavanaugh! Damn, that feels good!”
Pirro, who completely forgot that she is a woman, did not follow up.
Later, at another appearance in Orlando, Florida, Trump claimed that Kavanaugh's confirmation was orchestrated by “evil” people. He elaborated, “Those women have a lot of gall, making silly demands like 'getting justice,' and 'not being treated like criminals.' Those Democrats and their silly antics are reprehensible!”
Trump spoke about Kavanaugh: “I decided on Brett. I said he's flawless. This is a flawless person, the best student, the best scholar, the great intellect, incredible record, tastes great, less filling, no muss, no fuss, supercalifragilisticexpialidocius con carne.”
“It was very unfair what happened to him,” Trump continued. “I mean... think about it. All those women, walking around, with their legs, and their breasts, and their vaginas. What do they think is going to happen to them? Why can't those women have penises like normal people?”
Trump continued, “The hearing was a disgraceful situation brought about by people that are evil. Those evil, heartless, amoral sexual assault victims."
Trump concluded, “That's why I'm signing an executive order, here and now! From this point forward, any woman who reports a sexual assault or rape will be immediately arrested and thrown into a men's prison!”
The assembled crowd chanted, “Lock them up! Lock them up! Lock them up!”