Heathen Teens Struggle to Find Appropriate Expressions of Shock and Dismay

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 2 April 2018

image for Heathen Teens Struggle to Find Appropriate Expressions of Shock and Dismay
Heathen teen Sharrisse Washington no longer uses the expression "Dear Lord!" - but she sometimes thinks it.

Heathen teens, like seventeen-year-old Portia Johnson of Nashville, Tennessee, are increasingly struggling to find appropriate expressions of shock and dismay since the standard go-tos, like “Oh my God!” and even “Holy shit!” just don't align with their beliefs – or lack thereof.

Portia, who was raised in the Christian AME church, explained, “Me, I always used to say, 'Holy Jesus!' But that doesn't work for me anymore. I'm no longer a Christian, and I don't believe anyone or anything is holy.”

Portia added, “Not to mention, I was never comfortable with taking the Lord's name in vain. And even though I'm no longer a believer, I still don't think that's cool. It's just not classy.”

Another non-believing teen, sixteen-year-old Clayshaun Roberts of Birmingham, Alabama, also wrestles with the “holy” part of many commonly used expressions of shock and dismay.

“I have no problem with profanity," stated Clayshaun, an ardent atheist, "but even 'holy moley' is too much for me." Clayshaun noted that he occasionally exclaims, “Holey Swiss!” - as in cheese – but people don't seem to get it.

“It just doesn't get the point across in the way I'd like,” he said, shaking his head ruefully.

And eighteen-year-old skeptic Sharrisse Washington of Charlotte, North Carolina, said that many of the expressions that served her very well growing up in the Mennonite Church, like “Dear Lord!” and “Good God!” - and even “What the hell?” are now, to her, uncomfortably theistic in their implications.

"I still think them sometimes," Sharisse confessed. "But I don't say them."

Sharrise says that she, like a number of others in her heathen circles, has reluctantly settled on “What the fuck?” as her expression of choice for conveying vehement shock and dismay.

“It's not perfect,” she acknowledged. “But it works in a pinch.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more