Confusion reigned supreme at a church in Oxfordshire at the weekend, when members of a congregation inadvertently mistook the enormous swollen nipples of voluptuous Carol Forderman for 'chapel hat pegs', and hung their coats on them!
Carol, 43, had been 'liaising' with vicar David Filthmonger only moments before the throng of worshippers entered the quaint countryside church of St. Fidler's in Kidlington, and still showed distinct signs of this liaison inside her tight green lambswool sweater.
Poking out of this M & S garment were two of the most pronounced objects ever to be witnessed by human eyes in a church, and it wasn't long before all and sundry were removing their winter coats so that they could come and hang them on, and get a closer look at, Carol's 'hat pegs'.
Carol, who has a face like a welder's bench, said:
"I wore that sweater for the vicar because I've noticed he becomes very attentive when I do. He stands bolt upright, and seems unable to blink."
Church officials later denied that there had been any confusion, and rejected Miss Forderman's claim that the vicar had any interest in her.
One, who wished to remain nameless, said:
"Father Filthmonger has been with us for more than 40 years, and there has never before been any suggestion of impropriety, apart from those children who are always telling lies about him."