WHITEWASHINGTON, DC -- Former pugilist Senator Hairy Reed (D-NV) gave himself a black eye while shadow boxing in his Washington, DC gym last week.
"As Senate Majority Leader Mitch MacConman, Speaker of the House John Boner, and other Republicans know, I boxed professionally once, and, even at age 75, I like to stay in shape. The ladies like me lean and mean."
Reed neglected to say that it has been decades since he squared off in the ring and that his boxing "career" lasted only two years, much of which he spent knocked out, convalescing from beatings he received at the hands--or fists--or his opponents, and trying to count the number of fingers his fight trainer was holding up to ascertain whether he had suffered brain damage." (The trainer suggests that, in fact, Reed did suffer debilitating injuries to his brain, "which," the coach says, "explains his voting record.")
"My shadow has a mean left hook," Reed joked.
His injuries are no laughing matter, his doctors say. In fact, Reed may well go blind in his right eye as a result of the injuries he has suffered.
"Then he'd be half-blind both literally and figuratively," Boner quipped.
Reed also suffered broken ribs in the shadow boxing feat.
During an interview, Reed explained how his injuries occurred. He was sparring with himself, or, rather, his shadow, when he landed a powerful punch to his face, which, knocking him off his feet, set him careening off a series of wall lockers in the gym. The lockers are near the men's showers and some say that Reed was distracted by the proximity of a number of nude males with "superb bodies."
Reed, however, says that, although he appreciates the "beauty" of the "male physique," he is attracted to women. He added quickly, though, that he loves homosexuals and supports same-sex marriage. "I'm a Democrat, first and foremost, after all," he said.
As he recuperates, he has staff members read his documents and emails. One intern says that he has learned a lot from by perusing the senator's reading material. "I never knew who Long Dong Kong" is, the aide explained, "until I saw his centerfold in a publication among Sen. Reed's official 'documents.'"
Reed says he is able to serve the people of Nevada and his country "as faithfully as ever" and plans to run for reelection in 2016, "whether I'm half blind or not."
"I'm a tough old bird," the senator said, "and I'm not going to let a little disability like partial blindness stop me, any more than I have let impotence or erectile dysfunction slow me down. As long as I have my trusty aides to read my magazines for me and my Cialis or Viagra, I'm good to go!"