WASHINGTON D.C. - Mitch McConnell, Minority Speaker of the U.S. Senate, has been diagnosed as having rabies after a doctor who makes calls to the area around the Capitol grounds claims the almost comical-looking, eye-glassed, Democrat dragon-slayer was bitten by Bo, the Obama family's Portuguese Water Dog.
According to Theodore Thames, a physician who treats Washington's dignitaries, McConnell was walking along the grounds near the nation's Capitol early last week and Bo ran up to McConnell, wagging its tail. In a rare moment of good will and benevolence, the senator reached down to pet Bo and Bo bit McConnell's right arm.
The Minority Speaker has been acting outlandish as of late, and has been particularly acerbic, even making statements that border on the ravings of a lunatic. For example, McConnell accused the President, on Thursday night, of "flagrantly treating immigrants like human beings, in clear defiance of the wishes of Congress," according to The New Yorker.
McConnell was brutal in his assessment of the President's speech on immigration, blasting him for "eliminating the fear of deportation, which is the great engine of the American economy," according to The New Yorker writer Andy Borowitz. (See: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/republicans-accuse-obama-of-treating-immigrants-like-humans)
"Fear is what keeps immigrants working so hard and so fast and so cheap," McConnell said. "Remove the fear of deportation, and what will immigrants become? Lazy Americans," Borowitz quotes McConnell as saying in his article.
"That wasn't the senator talking. No, not at all. It was the rabies that was doing all the talking here," Dr. Thames told this reporter.
"Bo shredded the suit jacket McConnell was wearing. It's hard to believe such a small dog could cause that much damage. It looked as if the suit jacket was attacked by a polar bear," Dr. Thames told this reporter.
According to some of the White House staff who know Bo well, they say that the Obama's faithful pet has a deep distrust of Republicans who roam around near the White House. Some say they saw the President and Senator McConnell in a heated argument on the steps of the White House one afternoon and Bo was growling like a mountain lion.
"You see, one of the first signs of degenerate rabies is an extreme personality shift. Senator McConnell has obviously gone from being his mean-spirited normal self into another animal. He's now a raving lunatic. Craziness and a frothing-at-the-mouth werewolf's persona is a sure-fire sign that the rabies has taken hold," Dr. Thames said.
Meantime, Al Sphinx, a security agent who patrols the Capitol grounds where Bo is alleged to have bitten Senator McConnell, said that Bo hasn't been around the White House in weeks. He's been having a show dog's life in England, where he's in a highly exclusive dog show called the Trafalgar Square Portuguese Water Dog Extravaganza.
"The First Lady and the girls have taken Bo across the pond to compete in this show. He's going to come back with some championship ribbons for "Best In Show," and some other also-ran ribbons, and he will be the envy of all dogs in this country," Sphinx told this reporter.
And the political cause PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF RABIES VICTIMS even has taken a stand in Senator McConnell's defense. About 14 members of this group carried picket signs in front of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with the placards shouting out in bold blocked letters: "RABIES IS A HARD DISEASE TO UNDERSTAND," "MITCH THE BITCH ISN'T HIS ABNORMAL SELF, HE'S GOT RABIES, GOD DAMMIT," and "BO'S A SICK DOG, AND SO IS MITCH NOW."
Senator McConnell's press secretary, Irving Bloomingdale, said the senator can't drink water and is very thirsty. He's hooked up to an IV that he's been carting behind him in the Senate rooms. At least now, he will stay somewhat hydrated and won't get too sick from not having enough liquids.
"Senator McConnell's indefatigable urge to spit venom and hatred around the Senate are keeping him going strong. He's a miserable old cuss, but we like him that way. And we like him even more, now that he's got rabies.
"Yes. Yes. Yes. It's a new man we're seeing now, and the tea baggers certainly like him better than ever. When Bo comes back from wherever that dog show is, we hope he bites the senator again and gives the old boy even a higher dose of rabies," Bloomingdale said.
"We've even got some NSA guys up in the woods of Maine looking for a few wild raccoons and mink that might have the nasty stuff. When they come back with these rabid animals, we're thinking of sicking the things on Ole' Mitch," Bloomingdale added.
"Rabies or no rabies, this McConnell guy's got to go," said Pedro Vasquez, president of Mi Casa Es Su Casa Defensia, a political action magazine that fights for the rights of immigrants, particularly those from Mexico, Central America and South America.
"Put him on a boat back to Ireland and maybe he can take part in some rabies-infested dog show there. There is no reason for spreading this kind of hatred around in what's supposed to be a free country," Vasquez said.
"Isn't America a nation of immigrants? Since 1492, these bullies like McConnell have totally taken over the Americas and act like they were here first. Well, the President's ideas about Immigration are just common sense ideas. Barack is right on the mark with his egalitarian stance toward immigration. And McConnell has to be muzzled and put on a leash."
Dr. Thames said Senator McConnell is getting two, and sometimes three, rabies shots per hour. The last time Dr. Thames said he saw the senator, McConnell was snapping at cars that were driving down Pennsylvania Avenue.
"It's kind of unusual behavior, even for Mitch McConnell," Dr. Thames said. "I think I have a solution, though. Tomorrow, I'm going to give the senator six rabies shots every half hour. That should cure what ails him."
