John Boehner For Speaker Opponents Labeled "Tannists"

Written by E. Williams

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

WASHINGTON D.C. - After a tense vote today, House Speaker John Boehner was re-elected to a third term as Speaker of the House. A number of Republicans voted for someone else to take over the position and it was the biggest push for a Speaker change in over 150 years. Just moments after the win was announced for Mr. Boehner, his defenders took to the media to denounce those who did not support their man in the vote today.

One Boehner cheerleader called those who would not vote for Mr. Boehner "tannists." "I think it's a shame these Republicans couldn't look past the color of the Speaker's skin tone. So he likes tanning pills, lotions, and tanning beds for hours on end. Who cares? It doesn't mean he can't do his job just like everybody else."

A female Boehner staffer said, "I hope to one day see an America where tanners are treated just like everybody else. This orange-ish skin tone discrimination must end now. We're better people than this. I'm starting a Twitter campaign right now called #TanLivesMatter! Maybe we'll even protest."

Speaker Boehner, now the third most powerful person in America, has truly shown how far someone with an unhealthy desire to look tan can go in this country if you just put your mind to it.

One of the people who voted against Boehner, and for someone else for the Speaker position, told us, "I didn't not vote for Mr. Boehner because of the color of his skin, I voted against him because he hasn't done a good job in the position in the past. I judged him on his actions, not his skin color, as it should be."

Despite this, MSNBC and other networks are already running with the "tannist" remarks and show no signs of ever letting it go.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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