Upon hearing the news that the two largest newspapers in the state of Kentucky, the Courier Journal and the Herald Leader, had endorsed Alison Lundergan-Grimes over Mitch McConnell for one of the Senate seats in Kentucky, the incumbent, Senator McConnell, confronted candidate Grimes at Coffee-Go-Round in Lexington Kentucky shortly after 11:00 A.M. this morning.
When Senator McConnell found Ms. Grimes fixing her morning Cinnamon-Mocha medium brew with Splenda and half-and-half, things became very testy. According to a Lundergan-Grimes aid, McConnell demanded that Ms. Grimes "immediately stop pushing the Obama agenda of healthy snacks" by tossing the coffee in the street, so it could not even be paid-forward.
When Lundergan-Grimes stood up from her booth and confronted McConnell, he screamed like a little girl, curled up in a fetal position on the floor at Ms. Grime's feet, begging for his life. Within seconds Mr. McConnell's second wife, Elaine Choa, stepped between the two demanding that Ms. Grimes produce a birth certificate proving she was, indeed, American, and not Chinese. When confronted, Ms. Grimes went on the defensive and attempted to super-wedgie Ms. Choa.
Seeing the danger his second wife was in, Senator McConnel sprung up with the abandonment of a 13 year-old ninja and attempted to deliver a five-finger death punch to the incumbent. According to McConnell aids, it was either the second or third blow in which the Senators fore and middle fingers broke, rendering him defenseless and left with what appeared to be a wanker claw.
Understanding the danger she was in, Ms. Grimes was attempting to subdue McConnell with an Eagle-Claw takedown when Ms. Choa thrust her Hatori-Honzo Samurai sword through Ms. Grimes left kidney and in the process nicking Senator McConnell's right nipple.
When Ms. Choa withdrew the sword she was tackled by a large number of Lundergan-Grimes staff members and taken to the ground where she was heard to have shouted repeatedly "Ha tatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatata!" before she was dragged off the premises.
Senator McConnell was rushed to the closest ER where he was treated for his sliced nipple, not charged for the service due to his diplomatic status, and released. Ms. Grimes was transported to the second closest ER facility where she was denied care. She finally found an Urgent Treatment facility that applied several poultices of mustard greens and sassafras to the wounds, and according to her aids she is healing "nicely, slightly gamey, but healing nicely".
When asked why Ms. Grimes was denied aid for the wounds inflicted by the McConnell camp, Mr. McConnell's aid stated "if Ms. Grimes wants to suck off the teat of the government to cure her ills she should first turn to the teat she injured for assistance, and not the federal government", apparently an odd reference to the case of Mrs. Noelle Hunter.
When the Lundergan-Grimes camp was contacted for a statement Ms. Grimes aid stated "When the first ER denied us assistance, we asked why, and were told that women in Kentucky had to pass a drug screening test, a lie detector test, a gender test, and repeat the alphabet backwards from O to F before any treatment could be afforded due to the passage the previous quarter of the McConnell-Paul Act to insure voter residence.
Both candidates are said to be doing well and ready to take up the fight on the campaign trail tomorrow.