Boris Sulks: But I'm On Elton's Xmas List!

Funny story written by Tragic Rabbit

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

image for Boris Sulks: But I'm On Elton's Xmas List!
London drowning in Boris' tears, shed over breakup with singer/songwriter Sir Elton John.

The spokesman for Tory Mayor of London candidate Boris Badenov announced this morning in a hastily-called press briefing that Boris was 'hurt and quite, quite upset' at news that Sir Elton John is now backing Lib Dem rival Brian Paddywacker, and confirmed reports that Boris had subsequently spent all night crying into his pillow.

Conservative candidate Badenov has the dubious honor of having been endorsed in his Mayoral bid by Rocky, Bullwinkle, Mickey Mouse and, in a recent and entirely unexpected development, by dead Socialist Revolutionaries Lenin and Trotsky. But these things mean nothing to Boris, claim several senior aides, and he would trade it all for the return of Elton John's attentions.

They flatly deny, however, opposition reports that Boris spent the entire night ringing up Elton's stylish Peckham flat, alternating between prank phone messages and sniffle-laden pleas, all to no avail.

"Boris wouldn't do that," his spokesman told reporters, "Boris has far too much class for such dramatics, he can accept that a relationship is over."

There is no question, however, that Sir Elton has recently had Brian over for tea on several occasions, even once for a lavish banquet. Boris was invited to neither and has, these sources further claim, never actually been to the singer/songwriter's home. The spokesman at this mornings press briefing initially denied it, but then retracted, admitting it was true, when he was unable to provide Elton's Peckham address.

Boris himself tried to speak with reporters this afternoon, but managed only, "I just couldn't believe it, I just couldn't understand why…" before dissolving into tears. His pockets appeared to be full of used tissues, lending credence to the many reports of extremism.

But the London Mayoral bid of Boris Badenov has been plagued with doubters from the start.

Many who oppose his election cite the multiple corruption charges during his tenure as Spymaster for Pottsylvania as their primary cause for concern. Others feel he isn't 'tough enough' to run London, commenting that the Conservative candidate seems 'not quite the man for the job, you see' or, more commonly, 'just such a whiney old poof'.

Boris' senior aides claim that these exaggerated reports are defamatory and continue to insist that their candidate is seeking another singer/songwriter endorsement to replace Elton's, preferably someone athletic, in their mid-fifties, who loves cats. They report that phone messages have been thus far left at the numbers of Paul McCartney, Robbie Williams, Bono and Liberace, though, they add, the latter's number appears to be outdated.

Boris Badenov could not be found for further comment, having gone into what his aides refer to as 'seclusion'. Neighbors report that his mini is still in his drive and used tissues flutter about his garden, though newspapers do lie uncollected on the step.

Someone-or-other is running for Lord Mayor on the Labour ticket, too. When we rang up the London Labour office for the name of their candidate, the fellow who answered seemed initially hesitant and unsure, but he finally replied, "Livingston, I presume."

On May 1st, Londoners will again vote and dance around flowered maypoles in the twin traditional rites of Mayoral election and May Day.

Tragic Rabbit, Voice of London, Downing Street

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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