UK Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng's first quasi-budget was announced today to cheers and celebration across the country. With the astute administrative skills of King Herod, he chancelled like he had never chancelled before and slashed taxes for the rich, while doing nothing to help the poor cope with the cost of living crisis.
"By cutting the top rate of tax, this budget will help millions," said Conservative Party donor Geoff Banks. "I don't mean millions of people, I mean it will help people who own millions, and help those millions grow."
According to Banks, it is a core part of Tory ideology that the super-rich should be praised for hoarding their wealth like miserly scrooges, while poor people are clearly so feckless that they can't even hold on to the few pennies that trickle their way.
"We love the fat cats in this country," said Banks. "Why else would we keep giving them all our cash, every time we buy something?"
Prime Minister Liz Truss also said that the country needs to do more for the super-rich. "Please, won't someone think of the millionaires," she pleaded.
