England lose on penalties

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Sunday, 11 July 2021

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English heads are breaking today after the headbreak of a penalty shootout, and England had one against Italy. And Italy won.

England have always been rubbish at penalties. From traffic wardens to rugby regulations, England have never been able to work out penalties - even though they wrote the rules. Penalties penalise players for penile play, but who penalises the penalisers? It's a perennial philosophical question.

Fans of England were expecting a victory, because of their belief in their three lines on their shirt. Fan Sarah Ball said, "The three lines on our shirt is so important. Because to a millenial, three lines looks like a menu, something that you click to open up a set of actions. And that's exactly how England should be playing."

After England and Italy ground each other down to a 1-1 draw, and after extra-time it was time for penalties.

Many England players struggled at the Poena Macula - the hallowed term for what referees refer to as the penalty spot. Only the Pope is allowed to touch a penalty spot, or a bishop in sight of witnesses. So Italy has an advantage because of their experience at this dark art.

Nevertheless, Harry Maguire scored a terrific penalty. The English twat somehow managed to ram in it the back of the net, making every viewer say "how?" simultaneously.

Meanwhile Johnson's Bane Marcus Rashford hit the post through an embarrassing error, although it is believed that Tories engineered the miss through a remote-controlled ball, because of the trouble that the player has been causing Boris's government.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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