Britain preparing for sausage war with EU

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Thursday, 24 June 2021

image for Britain preparing for sausage war with EU
Fresh out of the oven-ready deal?

The people of Northern Ireland have been stuffed again. From the end of June there will be a ban on British sausages being imported there.

Thanks to Boris Johnson's Northern Ireland protocol, there is now a customs borders down the Irish Sea separating the province from the rest of the UK. This was an agreed condition of Johnson's so called "oven-ready deal" which he rushed through to "get Brexit done". As the grace period ends, the full set of import rules is about to be imposed.

Geoff Butcher is a sausage exporter based in Cumbria, who will be badly affected. "Normally we send a couple of truckloads full of sausages every week to Belfast, but that will have to end. I feel sorry for my customers. They'll have to buy inferior European sausages instead. They have a much lower rusk content and some of them don't contain any sawdust at all."

There was anger in Northern Ireland. Unionist politician Ian Banger raged, "We doin't march through the center of Belfast for fun, ye knoi. We do it for oir sausages. They're part of oir oidentity. Oi doin't knoi what's going on in Boris's head, telling us one thing and then doing another. His head must be full of mash and gravy."

Military expert Major Des Aster considered the possibilities of a sausage war. "I remember in the thirty years war - no, the war thirty years ago. The Golf War, I think. Jimmy Tarbuck never forgave me for beating him at the eighteenth hole.

"There were a lot of sausages in that conflict. I felt sorry for them, all packed up and sent off to the front line. One poor chap got burned to a crisp - it was a nasty business. We had to feed him to the dogs.

"It's not like the sausages you see nowadays, lazing around on the supermarket shelves like they own the place. No doubt being paid for by our benefits. How much money does a sausage really need to live off? They're all scroungers, the lot of them. I ate one the other week, it tasted like it didn't even need Universal Credit.

"It's time they brought back National Sausage, I mean Service. Get those lazy bags of meat into action, drill them daily. That'll give them some backbone. Although I hear that a lot of sausages contain pieces of backbone. Well, it's all edible, isn't it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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