UK border controls to be relaxed due to Brexit

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Tuesday, 16 March 2021

image for UK border controls to be relaxed due to Brexit
This UK border post is staffed by the ghost of Brexit

Many of the idiots who voted for Brexit did so in the hope that Britain would regain control of its borders. However, in the latest development in the saga, the UK will be ignoring all customs controls on EU imports indefinitely.

"We don't need border checks," said government minister Ollie Gark. "It's just pointless paperwork. I mean, it's not as if there are any active smugglers. At least, we haven't found any."

Imports from the EU were not checked while the UK was a member, but they are due to begin in April. Geoff Uniform was hired by the government as one of 50,000 customs officers to fill the role.

"They pay me to tell reporters that the customs officer recruitment is going well," said Uniform. "Actually it's going terribly. We've only hired seven actors so far, including me."

The government is worried that there may be food shortages once border checks are applied, because of delays and extra paperwork putting off importers, which could explain their reluctance to begin them.

Brexit analyst Geoff von Brexit said, "This lack of import checks will open a can of worms, literally." He believes that there would be nothing to prevent the UK from importing worms from the EU for use as food.

Poland is the world's largest producer of gourmet worms. Earl Birdski of Warsaw is a worm farmer looking forward to the Brexit opportunity. "I have many Polish expat friends in UK, they say Brits love eat worms, but you call them Pot Noodle or something. Here we feed them to badgers."

"Before Brexit it not legal for us to export worms as a food, but now the UK no longer care about EU standards we can send you tonnes of best quality Polish worms. Polish worms finest in Europe."

No government spokesman was available for comment, but shadow economic person Geoff Yorkshire said, "It's almost as if they's a bunch of incompetent arses in charge.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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