PM hails opening of Britain's free ports to international "trade"

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Thursday, 13 May 2021

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Johnson's free ports are only possible because of Brexit, but will face stiff competition from free ports within the EU

Boris Johnson has hailed free ports as the solution to the problems that weren't caused by Brexit at all. The first one opens this week in Scunthorpe. Britain hasn't had a free port since 2012 and the port is already controversial for the businesses it has attracted.

Geoff Jewellery is a pimp who is planning to open an international whorehouse in the once-abandoned dockyard area. "It's great," he said, fingering the gold chains around his neck. "We can bring in cheap Russian quim and sailors from around the world will be able to visit them without paying any tax. That's the real killer for any pimping business - having to fill in the tax returns."

Locals have mixed opinions about the possibility of the world's largest brothel opening in their neighbourhood. "I'd like to visit it," said married man Albert Trousers, "But because it's effectively in international territory I'd have to pay the tariffs on the condoms I'd be exporting. Not to mention the hassle of travelling across an international customs border. Also the wife wouldn't like it."

Working girl Sally Spread was angry. "I'm going to have to lower my prices to compete," she moaned. "Thruppenny a shag with Ukrainian crumpet is too cheap. At least they're on the other side of this new border they're having to create, otherwise I'd go and start a catfight."

Business owner Eugene Gristle was optimistic. "I run a dry-cleaning service, but I can't decide whether to move it into the free port or not. If I move it, then all my customers will be sailors, or if I stay in town then I'll only be able to service the locals. Really it would be much easier if the two separate groups could somehow come together in an international single market and/or customs union."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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