It is a city of grim brick factories and grey terraced houses inhabited by simians, all dripping with constant rain. Now Manchester is more miserable than ever, with the news that it is under the tightest level of lockdown in the UK due to coronavirus.
It can lower life expectancy, cause lung damage and force people to remain apart from each other, and even stay indoors all day. And that was before the virus hit.
Famous Manchester soap Coronation Street has renamed itself Coronavirus Street, and recently featured an episode in which everyone on the street died. Producers say it was to save money so that they can film it in a life-size replica of a Manchester street in China instead.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has promised that although the city has been abandoned, the government will pretend it hasn't been. Johnson has ordered a trebuchet set up outside Altrincham, Cheshire, which can launch individual pies at Old Trafford stadium from 7 miles away.
Crowds have already gathered at the unpopular ground to catch the lumpy pastry shrapnel as it slides down the outside walls of the venue.
"It's joost like been at a footy match," said one local. "Except that we're going to United's stadium, and there's less corpses."
