The war on the trade in illegally harvested orgasms is becoming more intense as the 3-year waiting list for NHS orgasm transfusion is leaving patients desperate and gagging.
“Orgasm harvesting is intrusive, debilitating and messy,” said Brenda O’Lox of Swindon Orgasm Detection Unit (SODU), “ ‘harvesting’ is a euphemism. If I had to put my finger on it, it’s orgasm theft, and the number of instances are reaching a crescendo.”
Angel Elphinstone, marriage guidance counsellor, said, “Due to inadequate official supply, there is frustration and pent-up demand resulting in the market for illegal orgasms being ripe for plucking.”
Penetrating the dark underworld of orgasm theft is Brenda’s SODU. “There are criminals using cheap imported mobile Orgasmavacs. They skulk outside bedroom windows and remotely vacuum orgasms,” said Brenda, “no calibration, finesse, or separation, male and female orgasms mixed together in batches of 40 or more. It's smelly work, but I have a nose for it.”
During a SODU raid at an illegal orgasm transfusion service, a scuffle broke out where a faulty Orgasmavac, full of unseparated, dirty orgasms, ruptured, and a client received a full 50% explosive transfusion in one go.
“A classic case of orgasmadeath,” said Brenda. After the raid, the 50%-full Orgasmavac went missing.
A journalist who attended the raid, a single woman who, during lockdown, had not seen anyone for three months, also promptly disappeared.
“In the wrong hands, it's very dangerous,” said Brenda, “but in the right hands...,” Brenda wistfully sighed.