DETROIT – (Satire News) – The latest thing in security systems is the Autonomous Security Robot. Dow Chemical has produced the SR-907 Humdinger Extraordinaire and it is changing the way companies view security. The conical Chubby Wubby, as it h…
A London man was given two consecutive life sentences at The Old Bailey yesterday after being found guilty of shouting loudly at a burglar who had broken into his home in the early hours of the morning in March 2021. Toby Dell, a retired forklift…
The rumbling and grumbling is apparent on urban streets across the country, and probably the world. Those living outside the law are feeling shortchanged and pushed aside as a result of the COVID-19 crisis that has dominated the news over the past 16…
I'd had an allotment in Islington for a few years, and other allotment owners had warned me about security, saying that theft was a problem. I didn't believe it, at first. I mean, who wants to steal small amounts of home-grown fruit and vegetables…
In a triumph for justice, a 56-year-old theft was finally solved today, and the perpetrator brought to book. Eddie Gleeson, 97, of Middlesbrough, was arrested after a successful police sting outside the city's central library yesterday. Criminal…
The Metropolitan Police have acknowledged a massive breakdown in security this morning, as details have emerged of a robbery at the Prime Minister's London residence. Red-faced Chief Inspector Mike Rimminal told us, "The intruder appears to have m…
In order to try to kickstart the economy after the impact of Covid-19, Liverpool City Council have been brainstorming ideas which will start to earn money for the beleaguered city. One possibility which has already met with approval is a £75 tour…
The war on the trade in illegally harvested orgasms is becoming more intense as the 3-year waiting list for NHS orgasm transfusion is leaving patients desperate and gagging. “Orgasm harvesting is intrusive, debilitating and messy,” said Brenda O’…
A woman was left in disbelief after she woke up to find her garden lawn had disappeared. Mrs. Gladys Hairdye, from Fazakerly, said, "My lad went into the garden this morning, and he said: 'What's happened to the turf?'" An entire lawn's-worth o…
Two masked anti-heroes marched into a sweet shop yesterday, dressed as Batman and Robin, and threatened the owner, a 75-year-old female pensioner dressed as Catwoman, with a plastic knife, if she didn't hand over all the bubble gum in the shop! Lu…
FARGO, North Dakota – An unemployed pharmacist was arrested, earlier today, after he tried to break into a First Pioneer Bank ATM machine using a hand grenade. Dr. Abner P. Hogwood, who received second-degree injuries, was asked by police why in t…
A notorious Carlisle steak thief has finally being apprehended after police used “baited meat” to lure him into a Londis in rural Cumbria. Thief, David Pattison, who looks like the back of a spoon had a baby with the Goblin King from Labyrinth, was...
News is emerging from a number of different sources that, under the very noses of millions of investors, banks are stealing the money they are supposed to be safeguarding. The awful and difficult-to-believe news was first aired on a bus going in t...
“It was just hard for me to believe I truly deserved it," said 19-year-old alleged armed robber Darien Keller of Nashville, Tennessee, after a high-speed police chase involving over 20 vehicles and an additional dozen officers on foot finally led to...
MILWAUKEE – Local authorities are reporting that overnight thieves broke into the Charmin Warehouse located on Soft Street and made off with 9,000 rolls of toilet paper. Surveillance cameras captured the three thieves who were dressed as Milwaukee...
Master of the Mint, Sajid Javid, is being held by officers from Scotland Yard this morning, after it was discovered a huge haul of special Brexit celebration 50p coins could not be accounted for. The commemorative coins should have gone into gener...
A London man was given two consecutive life sentences at The Old Bailey yesterday, after being found guilty of shouting loudly at a burglar who had broken into his home in the early hours of the morning in June of this year. Toby Dell, a postman f...
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