The North is in trouble and that’s official.

Funny story written by sean hodgson

Friday, 7 August 2020

image for The North is in trouble and that’s official.
We wouldn't like it if we weren't miserable.

Concerns over misinterpretation of the north of England lock-down measures have resulted in a Burnley man being refused entry into a Kent pub, because he’s a northerner. He was then sat on by a Polish fruit picker, until he was escorted back to the badlands.

‘The Salford Surge has morphed into the Manchester misery,’ said Matt Hancock. ‘Lurching Leeds is now lost, Bradford’s buggered, but that’s for other reasons, and Sheffield’s sinking.’

Sheffield sees this as an improvement, as original reports said that "Sheffield’s stinking".

Residents of Liverpool think this doesn’t apply to them. ‘Liverpool is Liverpool, we ain’t northerners,’ said a group of Scousers taking a day trip to Manchester to leer out of pub windows at real northerners who aren’t allowed in.

‘There’s misinterpretation of the regulations,’ said one happy landlord with a pub full of non-northerners. ‘I’ll kick ‘em out after a pint or two, or three....maybe.’

Brendan O’Lox, a geezer from London’s east end, said, ‘I’m not a northerner, I’m a geezer from London’s east end, so I can go to a northern pub, drink heavily, and leer out of the window at northerners who aren’t allowed in - sounds fun.’ Brendan was killed.

The wave of coronavirus spreading east to west from city to city has become known as the Mexican Coronavirus wave.

Guardian writer Georgina Manbot said, ‘That’s a racist slur. Not all waves spread coronavirus. Many are quite clean and rarely would one reach the north of England from Mexico.’

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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