THE WIRED STREET URINAL
El Presidente Donald Trump, exhausted from the pummeling he has taken abroad and the dismal polling numbers domestically, has outlined an ambitious plan titled “Crush the China Virus.” La Casa Blanca assumed adopting a policy endorsing the wearing of masks would pump up his descending popularity, but it failed to change the trajectory of the polls, including those conducted by FOX, OAN, and Ivanka. Something conspicuous was apparently indicated.
Utilizing his most recognized characteristic, audacity not pomposity or the tendency to prevarication, on Tuesday, Trump announced a sweeping national plan to conduct contact tracing of Covid-19 cases in all fifty states and territories, excluding the shithole of Puerto Rico. Calling on his avid contributor, newly-appointed Postmaster General, Louis DeJoy, Trump has signed Executive Order 666, redeploying all 497,000 postal employees to cease all postal deliveries until November 4th, 2020 and immediately begin contact tracing of suspected and confirmed Covid-19 cases and Democrats on the November ballot. Contacts will be subject to repeated testing and isolation at a secure, undisclosed facility until eight consecutive Covid-19 tests have a negative result.
“We have tested more people than any other country and now we will have half-a-million-foot soldiers ferreting out the “China Virus” on our soil. Not even China or South Korea has implemented such a massive program,” Trump told reporters. “Also, I have appointed highly respected Dr. Ronny Jackson to head a team to devise a bigly, very controlled study of hydroxychloroquine, Mr. Clean, and UV anal suppositories. Subjects will be randomly “recruited” from a pool of people with “Black Lives Matter” and “Biden” yard signs. I expect results from the study really, really quick. Look, what do you people want? If you had allowed me to build the wall I wanted, I could have kept the China virus out!”
This reporter inquired, “Sir, could the almost universal initiative to institute no-excuse mail-in voting for the upcoming elections have anything to do with this new plan?” Trump replied, “I know you – you are part of the radical, anarchist, communist, Democrat-controlled fake news media seeking to tear our country down. You people have printed lies about me since my unprecedentedly huge inauguration with more people in attendance than at Woodstock. I finally come up with a really smart plan to crush the China virus, and all you people can do is bitch and moan. Just like Lincoln, I am a war-time president that has had to make tough decisions. Would you people rather have the China virus or get the latest J. Peterman catalog in the mail? Gimme a break here. I am withdrawing your press credential effective immediately – get the hell out of here or I’ll have someone beat the crap out of you, then place you under arrest.” With that, Trump turned and briskly walked out of the White House Press Room sharing a one-finger salute as he departed.