The UK government has finally found the root cause of the coronavirus planning team's inadequate response. A junior minister accidentally left behind the detailed strategy document in his office, after the entire Department of Health was ordered to work from home.
Over the past week, the government recruited a group of brave members of the public, who managed to recover the lost plans. Due to potential viral contamination, each of them could only enter the office for ninety seconds at a time, and throw one sheet of paper out of the third-storey window. Many of the volunteers are expected to suffer ill effects, but they knew what they were in for when they accepted the mission.
"Ee, it were rough up there," said volunteer Geoff Nobble. "Real man's work. I did it naked, obviously."
Regrettably, many of the pages landed in the Department of Health's radiation testing facility, where they became permanently irradiated with harmful Z-rays. Another batch of public volunteers have since been recruited, and are preparing to enter the facility to recover the remaining sheets.
This time the volunteers have not been told the true extent of the danger they will face. Government spokesman Art Sole said, "Dom doesn't want to tell them. Or the press. And anyone who does know has to be 'disappeared' as well, so that includes the staff of TheSpoof, too. Mark my words."