Extraordinary measure ordered: COVID-19 patients released to curb social gatherings

Written by Brandy Pasquino

Wednesday, 18 March 2020

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A Terminal COVID-19 Patient Plopped Down on South Beach with His Final Meal

President Trump has urged young Americans to heed the advice to socially distance and avoid large crowds, but masses have flocked to beaches for spring break. In an earlier statement about young people, Trump said that "they're feeling invincible, but they don't realize that they could be carrying lots of bad things home to their grandmother and grandfather, and even their parents."

Shortly after Trump's public call for youngsters to be socially responsible, it was business as usual on South Beach. In an interview with one of our reporters, a young person who would only provide her first name for fear of retribution, said she will continue to visit beaches in order to reach her desired level of skin tone. "Look, in order for me to be at my happiest, I need that perfect tan, and nothing will stop me from my critical springtime goal," Natasha said.

Clearly, pleas to the public can go only so far.

In a shocking move to curb the coronavirus pandemic, the Trump administration has just ordered that terminally ill COVID-19 patients be released to popular spring break destinations across the country. "These are patients who have been given the highest quality of care, but, through no fault of their own, have a zero chance of survival," a Trump administration official told us.

In a pair of tweets, President Trump said:

"We love you, beachgoers, but we need to slow the spread! AVOID THE SUNBURN and ENJOY YOUR LIVING ROOM!"

"Unleashing these patients will not only discourage young people from partying at beaches, it will also make room for other COVID-19 patients who are in desperate need of life-saving care. We need to SAFEGUARD the LIVES and HEALTH of OUR PEOPLE!"

In response to what some are calling the "Return of the Near Dead", a Trump administration official said that extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. "Come on, it's not like these patients are going to chase you like zombies would! Most of them are bedridden, and will be carefully wheeled out, and left out on beachfronts for their last sunset," he said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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