Spider doctors working round the clock to help coronavirus victims

Wednesday, 18 March 2020

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"Open wide..."

As global deaths continue to rise, human doctors and nurses are increasingly putting themselves at risk of catching the disease and spreading it unintentionally. Many of them operate with little or no protection, and the government is not helping them.

Help has come, however, in the form of the UK's ten thousand spider doctors, who are immune to the virus. They have offered to work in an on-the-fly capacity at Britain's hospitals, relieving overworked staff and scaring the shit out of any victims who are unfortunate enough to suffer from arachnophobia.

Most of the spiders are large tarantulas who are experts in cocooning, webbing and poisons. Some are even developing experimental new medicines. In an incredible new surgical technique being developed at Stoke Mandible Hospital, a tarantula climbed inside a coronavirus patient's lungs and was able to scrape away the virulent tissue. The operation would have saved the patient's life, had he not insisted on remaining awake throughout the whole procedure.

If you would like a spider doctor to visit you in your home, you can contact one on the world wide web.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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