Epidemic of panic-buying sweeps Britain

Sunday, 8 March 2020

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A street in Runcorn lies in ruin - nothing to do with the panic though

Behind the back of a Greggs, a hooded ne'er-do-well is subtly offering his wares to passers-by. "Quilted!" he whispers, "3-ply super-soft." He offers to sell me a twelve-pack of Andrex for £50. I manage to haggle the price down to £40 - I really needed it though. I was holding back a spicy kebab the size of a fist.

The Spoof paid for it, thankfully, as part of their journalistic investigation into the newly-formed black market in toilet paper. Also to stock up the office lavatory.

Throughout the UK, shops are running out of things for people to wipe their arses on, as coronavirusmania sweeps the nation. Not since the millenium bug of 1999 has there been such an epidemic of panic-buying. Even copies of the Daily Telegraph are being sold, as its pages can be used for mopping an anus.

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has promised to do everything he possibly can about the crisis. He said, "I expected there to be shortages and panic-buying this year because of Brexit, but this has really taken us by surprise. We shall devote emergency government resources to tackling this problem. We cannot let this coronavirusmania destroy us."

In private, the PM is believed to be unalarmed. Government ministers have their own personal supply of high-quality toilet roll - long enough to last for at least a year.

Johnson reminded the public of the government's official policy. "People must remember to buy one packet of toilet roll at a time, or else. Coronavirusmania is a global problem, but it is affecting us more than some other countries. You don't see the Chinese queuing for bog roll."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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