Despite reports, people are not buying panic. 'Yes' said news reporter Brick Outhouse 'We have said in the press that people are panic buying, but they are not actually buying any panic. There is more than enough panic out there for everyone, so d…
After dispatching his subordinate ministers to explain on English TV why there are massive fuel shortages, Boris Johnson, has now run out of excuses, and instead of continually blaming the outside world, and EU, for the misery he caused, has come up…
LOS ANGELES – (Satire News) – Well, it looks like the panic rush on toilet paper has hit the nation once again. The Vox Populi News Agency is reporting that thousands of supermarkets throughout the land of the red, white, and do, have sold out of…
As a second lockdown becomes increasingly likely, due to the dreaded virus, even Waitrose shoppers have begun to panic buy. Stores around the country are reporting shortages of black olives, ciabatta and sun-dried tomatoes. One branch in Berksh…
UK supermarkets and retailers have urged both fat, sweaty halfwits and rich, greedy twats to start hoarding and panic buying again, after news that a minor "lockdown" will be needed to halt the spread of Covid-19. "We need these morons to spend,"…
Dear Sir, this crisis has had some good results. One is that we are going back to many of the old ways, with not being able to go out and the supermarket shelves emptied of toilet rolls and suppositories. My husband has gone back to not wiping...
April 1, 2020 (Sacramento, CA). California Governor Newsom has urged all CA residents to storm their local grocery and hardware stores to boost the economy and show support for local businesses. He dismissed critics' concerns about violating soci...
Geoff Kerr, 42, of Arsechester, was admitted to hospital on Thursday night, suffering from excessive vomiting after he overate. Kerr, who works as a quantity surveyor, thought that people would stockpile food, so he bought ten weeks' worth of shoppin...
Looking for deep-frozen chicken drumsticks? Forget it! Britain's supermarkets were stripped of the delicacies on Monday by Royal staff, hoarding the nibbles for Charles and Camilla. "Life without chicken drumsticks is unthinkable," explained the Prin...
Food shortages in the UK have led to supermarkets and butchers resorting to selling horse meat, as stockpiles of beef, pork and chicken are diminished by panic-buying Brits. Many shoppers are confessing that they actually enjoy the taste of horses...
Behind the back of a Greggs, a hooded ne'er-do-well is subtly offering his wares to passers-by. "Quilted!" he whispers, "3-ply super-soft." He offers to sell me a twelve-pack of Andrex for £50. I manage to haggle the price down to £40 - I really need...
Women are being urged to stockpile chocolate with the news that the 2012 cocoa bean crop is the lowest on record. "Basically," said psychologist, Paige Turner, "if you're a woman and you're menopausal, breaking up with your boyfriend, having a bad...
Supermarkets throughout Britain continued to report panic buying of vanilla products by their customers today following Tuesday's news from the island of Madagascar that the dreaded Melpona Beetle has destroyed an estimated 95% of this season's crops...
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