Noel Edmonds to reveal Brexit deal details on October 30th

Sunday, 18 August 2019

image for Noel Edmonds to reveal Brexit deal details on October 30th
Will the box full of cash persuade the EU to break their own rules?

The UK government today announced that hairy one-time radio disc jockey and superstitious weirdo Noel Edmonds will present a special TV programme the day before Britain is due to leave the EU to tell the nation what kind of deal has been arranged.

The decision has already been written down and placed inside a sealed box, to be opened by Noel during the live broadcast on October the 30th. Nobody yet knows what it will say - possibly there will be a no-deal Brexit, or maybe a deal will have been agreed. Multiple boxes are believed to have been prepared for different outcomes, but any one could be picked on the day - possibly even at random.

Opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn objected, not to the idea, but to the fact that he wasn't involved. He also wanted to know if it was possible to swap the box with another one, if the selected box contained something unpleasant.

Rumours about the box have been splashing round Westminster like flushing toilet water. Some boxes are said to contain large sums of money for bribing the EU into agreeing a deal. And an unnamed banker has allegedly offered to buy the box, no matter what it contains.

Meanwhile Boris is travelling to Brussels this week to try to bluff the EU into making a deal. He said in a bizarre war-referencing statement, "Finally, we can enjoy the triumph of the will of the people. Brexit will be delivered, but first we have to beat the Jerries."

Boris once said that negotiation is a fine art of extortion, trickery and lying. His skulduggery will be tested to the limit this week.

EU officials responded to the news with tired resignation. "Not more plot twists?" said one MEP. "Just make a reasonable offer or go away."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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