Boris Johnson targets dead voters for the next election

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Monday, 12 August 2019

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Boris is digging for victory

This week, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been visiting graveyards, tombs and haunted houses throughout the country to build support for a possible snap election in the autumn.

Spokesman Jeff Hades explained, "The voters who are most closely aligned with Boris's views, particularly his Brexit views, are all dead. Over a million of those who voted 'leave' in the referendum have died, and Boris is hoping that they will turn out in the next election to support his no-deal Brexit."

Despite the fact that the dead cannot legally take part in elections, it has not stopped the Conservative party from chasing their vote. Nor is it the first time they have tried. Famously in the 1997 general election, John Major gave a mildly stirring speech to a hall full of corpses in Winchester morgue, in a desperate but doomed attempt to win that seat.

Boris Johnson, himself, has said that he despises the cynicism of the living. He prefers the company of the dead, as they are still optimistic enough to believe in his idea of a "cake and eat it" Brexit. Boris is rumoured to spend hours talking to a real skull he calls Winston, although it is not known who it belonged to. The skull is rumoured to be behind numerous policy decisions since he became PM.

When asked, at a recent press conference, whether he should instead be pursuing the youth vote, Johnson snorted and suggested that young people should be discouraged from taking part in elections. "Better to give them some cheery-up powder, get them high so they won't even care about who's running the country. Instead, they should be down at their local fraternity with a bottle of wine and a bow tie, performing rituals with pigs and skeletons. That's my advice for the youth of Britain."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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