Over 11,000 people over the age of 100 will be stripped of their free TV licenses under a Tory government, in what seems like another instalment in the magic ritual to resurrect their blood God. Pensioners everywhere have said how much of an effect it will have on an already stretched group of people. After all, they currently receive the lowest state pension in Europe.
Young Conservative candidate Donny Gilderbract said:
"It’s a top, top idea aimed at improving the lives of pensioners all over the country, and stimulating the economy. You see, currently our pensioners spend most of their free time watching the TV. Now, after Brexit, we can’t afford to have these bone idle idlers sitting around, so we need to give them an incentive to go out and get working again.
"Of course these people have already worked their whole lives, but as this concept is utterly alien to anyone working in politics, it doesn’t cross their minds."
He continued:
"We want our over-70s to have an active role in the economy after Brexit. After all, most of them voted to damage it!"
Pensioners up and down the country have begged that the callous move be stopped as a lot of old people only really have their TV for company. But Donny scoffed:
"If you don’t want to be lonely, get out there and get a job! If anyone thinks complaining and petitions are going to change the mind of this government, they’ve got another thing coming! Look what we’ve done to the NHS, the education system, austerity. We’re bastards, and damned good at it! If these shambling old people think they can stand up to us, we’ll show them a bit of real Blitz spirit! We stood up to the Germans, and look where it got them!"
We wanted to make a comment, to interject some humanity into the proceedings, but he pressed on and said:
"Of course, we're not going to reverse our decision. When the General Election rolls around, we’ll just tell them that Corbyn did it. That’ll secure the vote back!"
