After a long and thankless career in politics, Theresa May is to find peace at last next month when she steps down as Prime Minister.
The wrinkly prude will be driven to an abattoir and hoisted roughly onto a flat sawdust-covered table. There a metal bolt will be fired into her brain by a trained butcher to stun her. Her flesh will be boiled away and used as adhesive for advertisements to be displayed on the sides of buses which will prematurely proclaim the success of Brexit. Her bones will be fed to the pigs at Eton school farm.
The slaughter may sound brutal but it was requested by Mrs May herself. Tory MPs often choose to leave the political world with a bang, whether by sticking an orange up the arse, or holding a pointlessly divisive and destructive referendum then walking away when it doesn't go as planned.
When he resigns, Michael Gove has asked to be trussed hand and foot and served as a three-course meal to his fellow Tory MPs with an apple stuffed in his mouth, and mustard sauce coated over his buttocks.
Boris Johnson wants to return to his former sty at Eton school farm. He often spends his holidays there hunting for truffles. Eton groundskeeper Geoff Pizzle-Smythe was not happy about the idea of him returning permanently in future. "He's a tricksy one, that Boris," said the put-upon servant, averting his eyes. "Always sticking his trotters in the trough, getting a bit too comfortable with his wallowing. If he would just grow up, he could become a nice gentleswine, but he's too much of a grunter."