Tories unsure about benchmarks

Written by T. Loaf

Monday, 24 June 2019

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The final two candidates in the race to No. 10 are baffled. After Theresa May's confession that, as a child, she ran through a field of wheat, Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt are combing their pasts for feats which might compare with such delinquent endeavour. They both have such impeccable records, it really is extremely difficult to find any fauxpas in their glittering careers.

Boris and Jeremy are two of the richest men in England; the one schooled at Eton, the other at Charterhouse, and both are multi-millionaires. Neither of them would hurt a fly, they said. And neither of them gives a damn about the future of the country, as long as Brexit is delivered, after which all people in Britain, and especially those north of Birmingham, will also become millionaires. Both of them supported Mrs. May for a while, then didn't, then did again, and so both get full marks for dithering. Whether such is indicative of good leadership, is for the Tory faithful to decide. Both have held office: Johnson failed miserably as Foreign Minister, Hunt as Health Minister. Boris blamed this on extensive travel, Hunt on lack of cash - but when we get that 350 million a week...ooo arrrrr.

In fact, if all else fails, they could just buy No. 10 Downing Street and move in together, a sort of PM-share. But let's get real, sadly that's not going to happen.

Their private lives are currently also under intense scrutiny. Hunt appears to be happily wed to a Chinese lady - with three children - and, of course, that natural connection to the world's largest market might turn the tide in his favour. And yet, most Conservatives will be backing Johnson who, as Mayor of London, bonked 25% of the capital's female population within his tenure, smiling and sneering incessantly. Since his divorce, he has entered into a marathon shouting match, and the same flat, with his leading campaign promoter, Carrie Symonds. Neighbours appear to have completely misunderstood the nature of altercations heard from the couple's abode. "This is the way spoilt, ambitious whinos communicate," explained a Tory official. "Nothing to worry about....quite normal."
Johnson also has four, or five, or more children, and keeps them under cover. They will not be moving into No. 10 with him, allegedly because the street has no Wi-Fi.

The battle is simply thrilling: two men of such modesty, vision, integrity, honesty and dignity. The Tories now have a choice they hardly deserve....

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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