Boris Johnson Has Fucking Big Row With Girlfriend

Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 22 June 2019

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The bedroom door earlier

The new Tory leader-elect, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, has had a steaming, great fucking row with his girlfriend, Carrie Symonds, at her London home, say neighbours.

Johnson and Symonds were said to be arguing like 'cat and dog' during the early hours of Saturday morning. Symonds is alleged to have said:

"Get off me, you fucking creep!"

and:

"Get out of my flat, you fucking delinquent cunt!"

If true, these things were not very nice, but, in fairness, it was Boris Johnson she was talking to.

All Johnson could say, was:

"Get off my laptop!"

which sounds like he may have been surfing questionable-content websites when the tiff occurred.

The details are sketchy, but that's no reason not to speculate.

Police were called, but took no further action. A spokespoliceman said:

"We won't be arresting the gimpish tool. The terrible publicity should be enough."

Johnson later addressed reporters:

"What are all you riff-raff doing here at this time in the morning? Look, it's been a long day - the Longest Day, in fact - and my partner and I would now like to go to bed."

Upstairs, a door slammed loudly.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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