Bozo Johnson Concedes in Tory Leadership Race Citing "Back Problem"

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 11 July 2019

image for Bozo Johnson Concedes in Tory Leadership Race Citing "Back Problem"
"I say, this prosecco is rather dark." "It's beer, you wanker."

The favourite to become Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has removed himself from the Conservative party leadership contest after coming under mounting pressure following Sir Kim Darroch's resignation as British ambassador to Washington. Critics of Mr Johnson accuse him of throwing Sir Kim "under the bus", by failing to offer his backing to the diplomat.

On Monday, Donald Trump had said the US would not deal with Sir Kim after confidential emails emerged where the ambassador called the president's administration "clumsy and inept".

At a hastily-convened press conference for the alcohol-sodden Westminster press corps in his local branch of Wetherspoons, in an echo of 2016, when Bozo had an unusual moment of self-awareness, he repeated his words:

“Having consulted colleagues, and in view of the circumstances in parliament, I have concluded that the person to lead the country cannot be me. Tuesday night's debate and the subsequent resignation of Sir Kim Darroch, made me realise that my back problem makes me unfit for this post as it needs someone with a spine,” he said, stunning the group of sycophantic, numbskull, neo-fascist, disaster capitalist, lickspittle Tory MPs which had assembled to show their support.

“This is not a time to quail, it is not a crisis, nor should we see it as an excuse for wobbling or self-doubt, which is why I need to withdraw,” Johnson said, before announcing he was no longer planning to stand.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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