It's official. Angela Merkel and Theresa May are actually the same person.
In a stunning revelation, Doris Boggs a hopeless schizophrenic from Neasden in north London, has finally admitted that these two mad women are actually just two of her many "personalities".
"Ooh, it's awful," she admitted. "Apparently, as prime minister, I cut back on the NHS, so I keep running out of my anti-psychotics.
"I keep waking up in Belgian hotels with no memory of how I got there or what I've done. Please help me!"
Doris also went on to say that her problem was getting worse.
"When it gets really bad, I start speaking German and being rude to Hungarians for no real reason. Please help me before I cause any serious trouble."
"Audi uber alles," she went on to say, in a rather apologetic tone.
Several commentators have commented on the striking revelation.
"That sadly makes sense," said a senior German. "We never see these two people in the same place or at the same time. It's not efficient or arrogant enough. She never wakes up at 4am, never leaves a towel on a sun lounger, and is never rude to hotel staff. Just not efficient or German enough."
"Explains everything," said a pink-faced ex-wing commander. "They're both mad, both wimmin and are both overdue for my weekly spanking. Oh sorry, wrong Germans."
"I have threatened my staff with a damned good whipping. Other than that, what I get up to in public toilets... oh it isn't about that?" asked a senior Tory.
"Says it all. Our leaving agreement was written in Kraut by a mad old biddy from the fuckin sarf," said a senior racist.
"Uh Whut?" asked Jeremy Corbyn, "is it my nap time again? Where's my slipper? ... Workers unite!"