A meeting between Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn early this week shocked Westminster by ending in agreement with the besieged party leaders deciding their best course of action was to actually invent the Neuralyzer made famous by the Men In Black movie franchise.
According to a Downing Street spokesman, the device — that wipes a person’s memory and installs a historical narrative chosen by the user — is perfect for Tory needs.
The spokesman said: “Every time a Minister comes up with an idea to fix Brexit, or at least make it slightly less of the clown show it already is, some smartarse pops up with a tweet from the week before, in which the Minister says anyone considering such an idea should be strung up as a traitor.
“A Neuralyzer solves all our problems in one go. We start with the worst agitators, O’Brien, Campbell et al, and work from there. Soon enough, no one remembers the broken promises or the logical arguments that make Brexit unachievable. And Jeremy gets to gloss over certain past events that have recently come back to haunt him. It’s a win-win.”
When pressed on the astronomical cost of realising a fictional gadget in the short time remaining, the spokesman said the government was confident it wouldn’t be an issue. “Basically,” he added, “if we are successful, then no one will remember. If not, we’ll just say we sent Grayling out to buy insulin, and he came back with magic beans. Plus, anything that makes Gove wear dark glasses will be worth every penny.”