As Brexit spirals out of control like a drunk shopping centre Santa driving a stolen jet ski through Debenhams, the options for the UK are narrowing. But one brave Brexiteer has an option that no one else has thought of.
Big Bubbly Bumberling Racist, Boris Johnson, said that there was only one Brexit that would unite the country and make him Prime Minister. War.
"Having a good old-fashioned jolly bolly knees-up of a scuffle on mainland Europe is what we need. They won’t give us our Brexit, so we’ll take it from them! All of Europe, one after another, come here, Luxemburg! Smash! You want some Poland? Bosh! That’s the ticket. What what."
Of course, a full-on fucking war with mainland Europe would do nothing but feed the almost suffocating desire to go back to World War Two and cram ourselves into Anderson Shelters. Hang on, that last sentence was meant to be a reason why the country shouldn’t want to do it!
Boris, now dressed as a great War soldier, said:
"We will fight them on the Costa Del Sol, we will fight them in Amsterdam, we’ll fight them with growing strength on BA flights... Well, I won’t be fighting them, of course. I’ll leave that to a load of council estate kids from up North."
Its supporters say that war stimulates an economy, fosters cooperation between all its people, and can bring great economic reward to a nation. Its detractors often say “Where are my legs?”
But Boris was having none of it. Or all of it, if you want to look at it like that, and he finished with a flourish:
"The only true meaning of free movement was the free movement of Sherman tanks up the beaches of Normandy, and it shall be again!"