MANDATORY automatic calorie limiters could soon be implanted into all new-born babies within the next three years, as new measures to slash obesity levels are introduced.
Some MPs (the slimmer ones) have approved the fitment of a range of new implants devised by scientists at the University of Being Thin, following substantial investment from the government.
The device - which will prevent a person from swallowing food once the limit has been reached - will be retrofitted to anyone suspected of being overweight. This, they hope, will take away some of the burden of dealing with fat people in our hospitals.
A rather thin spokesperson at one hospital said, "It's not really for me to comment," but went on to say, "Some of my best friends are fat but I'm always afraid to invite them around for dinner, mainly because they eat too much. With these implants, I will be able to invite both of my friends."
Greenpeace, the wealthy, non-profit, activist organisation have welcomed this move, but say the government are not going far enough. Leading expert, Ted Boffin, said, "We would like to see compulsory mouth clamps fitted for anybody weighing over 11 stone 5lbs. If these people stopped eating so many hot pies, we wouldn't have to worry about the climate so much, and we could get back to harassing polar bears for selfies."
Although there have been numerous reports of under-cover fat detectives (known as the Pie Squad) taking photos, and pointing at fat people, the Government have dismissed these rumours.
Archibald Potbelly, Gronant Journal
(11stone 3lbs)
