Charleston Woman Pretty Sure She's Vegan and Probably Gluten-free

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 7 March 2019

image for Charleston Woman Pretty Sure She's Vegan and Probably Gluten-free
Eating healthy in Lowcountry isn't easy, says likely vegan/gluten-free Kendra, but it's worth it.

"I can't stand seafood, and I almost never eat regular bread," said Kendra Burke of Charleston, South Carolina, who's pretty certain she's vegan and probably also gluten-free. "I almost always opt for the wrap instead."

Eating healthy in Lowcountry isn't easy, says Kendra. "They want to put barbecue sauce and ranch dressing on everything. And talk about carbs! They go nuts if I try to order a plain chicken breast or a salmon burger without the bun."

Kendra finds that salmon fits well into her seafood-free, likely vegan/gluten-free diet. "Salmon swim upstream, so they're not considered fish," she explained. "And they're carnivorous and don't eat grains, so they're not a secondary source of gluten, which is important to me."

That being said, Kendra appreciates the sensitivity of the salmon issue. "I do get it that when it comes to not eating seafood, salmon is somewhat borderline. I respect people who choose not to eat it for that reason," she said.

As someone who's highly independent and never been one to worry much about what people think, Kendra feels quite comfortable being on the cutting edge of groundbreaking new health trends like vegan living and intermittent fasting - trends with which the average, semi-conscious American eater may be unfamiliar. And Kendra is quite clear that no matter how "out there" her eating practices may seem to others, her health is her number-one priority.

"People always ask how I manage to go hours at a time between meals and snacks," said Kendra. "I tell them nothing tastes as good as the high you get from fasting."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more