Vegan Bodybuilder Annoyed at Being Called a Beefcake

Written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 20 March 2019

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Vegan bodybuilder Jack Henry Chadwick tries to keep a sense of humor, but being called a "beefcake" sometimes gets him down.

"Stop calling me that!" railed handsome and inordinately well-muscled vegan bodybuilder Jack Henry Chadwick after one of his friends - for the umpteenth time - referred to him as a "beefcake."

"It's not funny!" he added, only accelerating the chuckles of his meathead buddies.

Jack Henry's long-time buddy Raydell Piedmont just wouldn't let up. "But you're just such a prime, grade-A hunk of goodness," simpered Raydell. "Tell me, please, exactly what kind of beefcake are you? Are you a ribeye?"

Jack Henry, whose health and professional bodybuilding success have skyrocketed since he made the shift to plant-based living over three years ago, has done his best not to lose his sense of humor along with the animal products. Nevertheless, he admitted that his buddies and their "beeefcake" jokes sometimes do manage to get to him - to the extent that he's tempted to use his greatly superior strength and agility to end his friends' "ribeye" ribbing once and for all.

"I'm tempted to tell them I'll squash them like a bug," said Jack Henry. "Except I don't squash bugs anymore. I'm a vegan."

Instead, Jack Henry generally responds to comments like Raydell's ribeye remark with a quick and pithy comeback that nevertheless effectively gets across his point about the benefits of plant-based living. "If, by that, you mean am I loaded with saturated fat, cholesterol, and cancer-causing animal protein, then no, I'm not a ribeye," Jack Henry told Raydell this time.  "My cholesterol's 118."

Fortunately for Jack Henry, his girlfriend, Charisse Lawrence, also helps him see the lighter side of things.

"It's all right, my little chickpea," cooed Charisse, caressing his bicep. "They're just messing with you. Why don't we go somewhere quiet, just the two of us, and you can show me where you get your protein."

Jack Henry's eyes lit up at the suggestion. "Oh, I'll show you, baby. I've got no issues with protein - no issues whatsoever. You'll see."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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