London, UK - (Lardarse Mess): A controversial government paper is being blamed for outrage among Britain’s LGBT community after linking non-binaries’ obesity with orally-ingested** trans fats.
Researchers say the artificially-engineered dietary lipids - similar perhaps to Stalk Margarine - have been identified as producing agenda-bending qualities.
And these may be responsible for turning plumpish heterosexuals into obese LGBT ‘queers’.
“We’ve looked at the role of trans fats in non-hetero obesity,” government scientist Dr Ivan Skinnybum explained to reporters at a Heath Ministry symposium.
“It’s high time these greasy molecules were outed for their one-plus size double bonds in trans geometric configuration”.
The term describes a chemical double bind - uh, bond! - that manifests in one of two possibilities, the trans or the cis.
“In trans configuration,” Skinnybum continued, “we see carbon chain extensions from double bond sides, unlike same-side protrusions in cis.
“Our conclusions therefore are that the trans molecule is undoubtedly the straighter molecule.
“The cis molecule, meanwhile, is bent.”
Commenting on the research paper findings, the Spoof’s science editor ‘very nearly threw up into his cornflakes’ as the report went viral.
“Orally-ingested** lipids exclude fellatio,” was his measured response.
“Apart from Last Tango In Paris’ margarine scene.”