Written by Talking Tic-Tacs

Tuesday, 2 October 2018

image for Con Conference: Extra Pritt-Stick Ordered For Theresa May Speech
In a photo taken immediately after last year's Conference speech, a slightly visibly aged Theresa May.

Extra Pritt-Stick has been ordered to ensure Theresa May can only balls-up from speaking shite and not as well as the stage falling apart around her during her speech, ministers say.

The previous Tory Conference was a spectacular screw-up for the Prime Minister as she suffered a loss of majority just before it, a nerve-induced coughing fit throughout it, a comedian interrupting her during it, and the messages on the wall behind her gradually falling off as she was trying to emphasise those very messages, in it.

"What our leader certainly doesn't need is shoddy stage props deflecting from her soaring speeches which rouse the whole nation," said Name Not Important MP.

"So the priority is to Pritt-Stick these words on the backdrop of the stage to not take anything away from her inspiring oratory", said he or she it doesn't matter.

Human rodent Phillip Hammond MP chimed in, "Well, indeed everything went against the Prime Minister last time. She failed to complete one full, coherent sentence. And that was before the coughing even started."

"This time we shall supervise the minions to extra Pritt-Stick the slogans before the Prime Minister takes to the stage. Where incidentally she will, ahem, be the glue that binds our nation together. Boom boom!" said Roland Rat.

"Then, in all probability, we will take the surplus Pritt-Stick, and sniff the shit out of them to endure her speech."

Prominent political preener Pritti Patel MP also gave her backing to the Pritt-Stick principle "Look, Pritt-Stick preserves and perfectly prepares the Prime Minister to pontificate on pure political piety. I have always supported Pritt-Stick patently and patiently with purpose . Pritt-Stick will protect the Prime Ribster from political purgatory and putdowns from punditry and provide plenty of pleasantries for the peasantry. Plus, I like sniffing it." said Pritti-Stick Patel MP.

Many were surprised at it being such a problem for the Tories given that they have traditionally been very much synonymous with everything "stuck up" themselves.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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