Theresa May has revealed her new flagship programme to help thousands of homeless Britons find their way back into society. Today she announced that, from next January, homeless people will be able to apply for their own kennel, giving them shelter from wind and rain, and an address of their own.
"It's the perfect solution," said Tory spokeswoman Geoffetta Vile. "A kennel has a more cosy living space than the traditional sleeping bag, and gives a level of dignity not usually available to these feckless scum."
Homeless charities are aghast at the proposals. Help The Homeless CEO Geoff Help said, "It's appalling. Why can't they at least make it a shed? A shed has room to stand up in, and to potter about in."
Other Conservative MPs were concerned that the homeless might somehow apply for multiple kennels and sell them on for profit. "The last thing we need," said Boris Johnson, "Is another homeless kennel smuggling racket."