Rooney to face Rangers - Police concern as Glasgow Whores Invade

Funny story written by Not The Nine O'clock News

Monday, 13 September 2010


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image for Rooney to face Rangers - Police concern as Glasgow Whores Invade
"Hey Fack Yoos" - Miss Glasgow 934 B.C - times haven't changed down the years

Police in Manchester issued a 'stay put' warning today to the thousands of 'wagabees n whores' making a planned 'invasion' down to Manchester for this weeks Champions League clash between Manchester United and Glasgow Rangers. Ever since United boss Sir Alex Ferguson told a press conference that Rooney would not play against Everton, but will play against Rangers midweek, Glasgows whores have been 'licking their ginger minges' at the news.

Already reports are streaming in of coach loads of fat, old, ginger, sweaty, greasy haired prostitutes turning up in hotels in the Northern towns of Manchester, following allegations about Wayne Rooney and local prostitute Jennifer Thompson.

After 3 hours on the razz from Glasgow, hotels in Rochdale, Bolton, Oldham and Bury bore the brunt of the invasion as thousands of greedy auld slappers stopped off for a piss and more booze. Police managed to keep most of them from travelling further south by blockading them with Weightwatcher banners and a Helicopter overhead showered them with shampoo and soap. Police later revealed the women planned an assault on the Lowry Hotel (now nick-named the Leery Hotel) on Tuesday, hoping to bag themselves a famous footballer.

One mingin wrinkly obese tattooed slapper, called Burnadette, 64 from Carlton, Glasgow said 'We waur havin' a stoatin time travlin doon to find Rooney and the boys. We needed tae stop for a slash yae know, cos the coach floor was too wet wi' us pissing everwhere, but when we arrived, we waur beaten back by police wi' some fackin stupid messages on them. Luckily one o' the girls can read and told us they waur diet plans. what the facks a Diet anyhoo??.

It is estimated there are at least 1 Million 'auld sluts' in Glasgow however nearly all of them can't read, nor walk, nor talk properly and would have difficulty fitting in the outside world.

Following Rangers fans violent behaviour 2 years ago in Central Manchester, Police tried to quell the expected 100 thousand strong slut invasion and asked further slappers to 'Stay Away'.

DCI Jones of GM Police said - "They were like animals and they stunk like animals too. I mean ginger people smell anyway, but in the height of summer and coming from Glasgow, you can imagine how horrific it was for our officers, several of whom fainted. We would appeal for calm, Rooney will take weeks to get through you all, so you're better off staying away".

Meanwhile over at Wigan Athletics' DW Stadium, 3.5 thousand whores are being penned in by specialist zoo keepers brought in from Chester Zoo.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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