One of the prostitutes involved in the three-in-a-bed, piggies in blankets rumpus type sex romp with English footballer Wayne Rooney apologised on Sunday, saying "it was a mistake. I should have realised that being a vagina owner, I have great power, and with a lady garden, comes great responsibility".

Helen Would, a 23-year-old single mother, issued a dramatic apology to Coleen Rooney and the rest of womankind, saying: "I wish this had never ¬happened", A national daily paper has reported.

"As a fellow woman, that has been a life long card carrying Vulva driver; I should have known to keep my clopper to myself and that men just aren't responsible enough".

Continued the distraught Priestess of the sacred ability to create life

"As women, we are all custodians of the poor, sad deluded men on this planet and as such we have to constantly keep an eye on our men folk, to make sure they don't go pointing Percy in places he has no business. After all, they are incapable of doing so themselves."