Wayne Rooney's friend Jennifer Thompson has been employed as a physiotherapist to the footballers at Manchester United. The fragrant young lady - who having finished her degree in Classics at Cambridge University completed an MA at the Finishing school for young ladies in Basle, Switzerland - is delighted to have been given this opportunity but is clear that she was appointed on merit.
"My friendship with Wayne means alot to me - but so does my career. Of course people will talk about whether I have earned this position purely on ability, but I ignore such tittle tattle and will show I am the best physiotherapist in the business."
She continued: "I'm going to work muscular magic on the players with my fingers and soothe their wearied bodies and souls with gentle melodies."
She then winked: "Who are we kidding". She swigged a glug from the can of diamond white she had in her hand."I'm going to make a fortune screwing these over-sexed, over-paid prima-donnas and then I am going to make a fortune selling the stories to a newspaper."
She then asked us to leave: "I need to pray" She said.