NEW YORK CITY – (Sports Satire) – After gunfire broke out at a Washington Nationals – San Diego Padres game causing a mini-stampede, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, says that the culprit has been caught.
The shooter, whose name was not released, allegedly told D.C. law enforcement officers, the FBI, and the CIA, that he was merely shooting at a huge rat that had scared the hell out of some of the older female fans.
He went on to say that he is an expert shot, and that there is no way that he could have accidentally hit an innocent bystander or bysitter for that matter.
The D.C. Police Commissioner says he’ll believe that when 99-year-old Betty White reveals she’s pregnant.
Manfred wants to dispel the rumor that was started by Tucker “The Swamp Creature” Carlson that MLB will be issuing third base coaches hand grenades as a deterrent.