NEW YORK CITY – (Sports Satire) – The legendary spit ball has been gone for years now, but now, baseball pundits, observers, and even hot dog vendors are noticing an ever-growing increase in the so-called sticky ball.
There is no doubt that all Major League Baseball pitchers have pints and pints of spit, but spitting on a baseball, which is not only illegal but yucky-as-hell, will get you tossed out of a game quicker than revealing your wiener to the fans in the stands.
Baseball Commissioner Rob "The Man" Manfred, has been made aware that pitchers are secretly putting all kinds of foreign substances on their balls (baseballs) to get an edge against the batter.
One Arizona Diamondsbacks pitcher, who shall go nameless and numberless, has been observed rubbing vanilla yogurt on his balls; ah his pitching balls.
He denies it saying that he is simply addicted to the stuff and he has an 8-yogurt cup-a-day addiction.
Another pitcher who plays out on the right coast, denies that he rubs Preparation H on his balls; again, pitching balls, to make the balls smaller, and thus he can throw them as if he were throwing golf balls at speeds of up to 104 mph.
Most umpires say that they are sick and tired of having to act like effen baby sitters. One umpire Russo Champavino, 74, told Sports Balls Illustrated that he has even smelled baseballs with a distinct Compound W smell.
And the sticky balls situation is getting much worse as one catcher in the American League Central Division, has commented that four of his pitchers rub so many different substances on their balls, that at the end of the game his catcher’s mitt smells like the pharmacy department at Walgreens.
Meanwhile, Houston Astros pitcher Pablo Pedro Picasso, says that the only thing he puts on his balls is tender loving care, and we’ll just leave it at that.